I will write my love. I will write until I begin to fade into the night.
I look back and to what I call “my future”. I am looking for peace, for hope, for something. The intangibilities of it all creates a deep, hollow pit in my heart. Nothing satisfies this longing within me. This longing to run, to be free, to travel and never turn back.
Yet, I have done the exact opposite. I have stayed in the place my roots have gone the deepest. When I stopped running I found something I probably wouldn’t have found, as quick. I am in the one place I am afraid of. I fear safety, I fear hope, I fear the reality that my life doesn’t have to be controlled by a ticking time bomb of uncertainties.
Where should my heart lie? Right there. It will rest in yours. In your veins. In your blood. I will rest. I will not run. This. This right here. I will rest. I will not run. You were once an enemy, and now you are my fortress, my lover.
I look back and to what I call “my future”… Now… Now is when I feel my heart beat… Feel my lungs expand and collapse… You are there. Peace is there. Hope is there. Whatever something(s) I am looking for, everything is there… No need to look backwards or forwards, I just need to allow myself to be free within my skin.
With a few minutes to spare, I will barrel into your chest. Trust. Breathe you in. I have fallen. No need for warring over something that has already been won, my Love.
My love, I have faded into the night.
All I remember saying is “I just want to be loved… I just want to be loved”. With tears streaming down my face, weeping in clouds of confusion, sickness, and pain. My hollow face was streaming hopeless tears into my lifeless hands. Void came as quick as the dawn, but the weight of it was heavier than having a sleepless night, tossing and turning..time becomes the tormentor and my body has become the slave.
These insecurities were seen through the lens of drunkenness. The dream I had a few months prior came to pass quickly. I had a dream this man was telling me all I wanted was to be loved.. and here I was, body drenched in wine, crying out that exact phrase, word for word for word for word. “I just want to be loved”. Gripping my heart, with my frail hand, wailing to one of my sisters.. “I just want to be loved”. I’m sure she just assumed I was being a dramatic drunk, but I wasn’t. Every word that spilled out of my mouth, every tear that was shed.. Every emotion pushing itself through my tiny heart.. It was all real.
This is where it all began. Somewhere in my childhood years.. I feared I wouldn’t be loved. I feared I would never be good enough to be loved. This fear has driven me to perfection. I have made sure people would love me, at any cost. I even feared love itself, yet that is what I have craved. I crave love. I fear love. Those four and half glasses of wine gave me a dose of a reality. I just want to be loved. I want to be good enough. I want to be desired. I want to be cherished. I want to be known.
Lord, I just want to be loved.
Overwhelmed — that is it.
Between everything I am involved in and my job.. I am overwhelmed. I am wondering and questioning a lot of things. I am taking one day at a time. The opportunities are pouring in and I don’t know how to respond, except to retreat. Confidence in myself? I have none. My emotions are rising and I don’t know how to articulate any of this… The only thing I honestly want to do is throw up.
Abba, bring peace. That is all I ask.
One word I feel — Overwhelmed — that is it.
Valentines Day. This day surpasses any day of the year for me. Most Valentines Days…. Aren’t any different than
the day before or day after. But for some reason, my heart is expectant for love to encounter me. For some reason, I have more hope in life and Abba on Valentines Day, than the day before. I am reminded of why humanity exists. Love has a holiday all to itself….. ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL. It’s a phenomena really. This emotion, feeling, reality, and truth called love is desired by every human. Not one person can refute love.
I can try and run from letting my walls fall down. I can try and fill any part of my heart with hollow objects. I can try and carry myself as Miss Independent.. try and be super woman. Yet at the of
end the day, I am only fooling myself. I want to be loved while someone sees the darkest parts of my heart. I want be loved wholly. I want to be loved without contempt. I can’t deny the reality of love any longer. I must surrender to love.
So, let us raise our glasses and make a toast to love. Here is to love that awakens our souls. Here is to love that requires infinite amount of vulnerability. Here is to love when it’s not sparkly and pretty. Most of all, here is to love that must surrender.